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Archive for August, 2013

Removing the Mask by Kesha Hall

Saturday, August 17th, 2013

Wow, it’s August! Where did the summer go? I love the month of August. It’s hot, usually always sunny, and has such a powerful meaning. It means inspiring reverence or admiration; of supreme dignity or grandeur; majestic. I would like to start off by thanking Ms. Angela Bryce for inviting me to share a piece of me, with LIB. It’s quite ironic that on most days I feel like a lady out of balance. The moment I sat down to write I felt conflicted on just what to say. I asked myself, would the words I choose to write be too revealing? What have I committed myself to? It became apparent to me that the unknown was starting to consume me. In the mist of my mental storm I decided to step away and go back to drafting up my dream list, which I call my 10 steps forward. It’s something I have been working on for a while. One might ask, why only 10? I could choose to take even more steps forward. After all, it is my choice. Just to give you an example, one of my 10 steps was to complete this LIB piece, another is to travel to Paris. My third step is to be moved into a new living space, which is happening this month, August 31st.For most of my adult life, my fears have greatly influenced my choices. My choice to limit my options, my choice to remain a broken-fatherless daughter, my choice to remain insecure about wanting and knowing that I deserve more, my choice to hold on to stagnant relationships, my choice to care too much about what my peers may think.

I acknowledge a large part of the problem lies within me. Now I am getting to the core of where it all sits. My thoughts are saturated with fear. It’s not every day, but more often than I’ve ever dared to admit. To be exposed and naked in front of others and anxiously anticipating their judgment haunts me. It’s much easier just to smile and project the illusion of happiness. I’ve realized it’s time to take responsibility and ownership of my life. Many of us are guilty of expecting others to give more than we’re capable or willing to give ourselves. It is my duty to live up to my own expectations. There is so much material out there on different sites on how to push forward, stay positive, be ambitious, and let go of the past. There are days where that seems achievable, but far too often the thought of my own reality cripples me. My truths are what make me insecure, and trigger my feeling out of balance. It’s a constant struggle to find the balance between work, motherhood, life, relationships, etc. How I manage, is nothing short of a miracle. I work forty hours a week, commute for 4 hours a day to and from work. Somehow I have to save energy for dinner time with the family, go over the day’s events and also manage to keep up with the parent committee task? I won’t even begin to mention dating. I have offered myself the opportunity to go on a journey to find ME, reclaim me, and create balance in me. As Iyanla Vanzant would say – I have a ton of UN’s in my suitcase and I keep carrying them everywhere I go. Goodbye to my representative and hello to the real me. It is time to remove the mask and look in the mirror. My therapist encouraged me to uncover myself some time ago and I now understand what she meant. She didn’t mean to uncover for someone else, she meant undress so I could re-discover myself. Fear keeps me hidden behind the mask. I’ve decided to get in the race instead of watching from the bleachers. Winning is not what I strive for. I am not moved by money or winning. I just want to make it to the finish line. The issue is I take myself out of the race before the gun goes off. FEAR is the most crippling feeling, one I am all too accustomed. When I think of my darling angel, my beautiful teenage daughter, I realize that I am giving her all the advice that’s been given to me, but how can I call myself a guide when I don’t follow my own instructions?

Going back to my list of dreams, I am going to check off each one on my steps forward until there are no more boxes to check. Heck, I may add a few more. It’s time to focus on what I have been blessed with. Removing the mask is no easy task, but it will never happen by standing still. I’ve put on my boots and tied them up tight and I am ready to march. I am in soul search boot camp! My hope is that the bits and pieces I’ve shared will touch another soul and inspire someone else to remove their mask. I thank the Lord for blessing me with the life I have and for my friends & family that continue to inspire me. It is with great humility that I accept my own imperfections and now balance is in order.

Tidbit

” Our lives only improve when we are willing to take chances and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves.” ~Walter Anderson

Always remember to slow down in life; live, breathe, and learn; take a look around you whenever you have time and never forget everything and every person that has the least place within your heart.”


 
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